Meet me in Montauk.

Most people would wish they could forget and rewatch their favourite movie for the first time again—to relive the moment they discovered this key puzzle piece of themself again. But I would never wish to watch my favourite movie for the first time again, ever.

If you had asked me a year ago what my favourite movie was, I would not have been able to tell you. I have watched plenty of good movies I’m sure, but none had ever truly resonated with me. It was like, you know that feeling when someone asks you something that you definitely have an answer for, but can’t name without rummaging through your mind for a while—like, “What did you have for breaksfast yesterday?” It was like that for me.

But that all changed last August, when I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This was taken in Brighton, but I think it emulated Montauk from the movie so well.

I stumbled onto the movie at such a distinct time in my life, not particularly turbulent, more so uncertain. And the movie just felt…right.

Watching it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, and had marinated it in all of my swirling emotions at the time before serving it back to me on a platter.

I had heard a brief synopsis of the movie before—a man erases the memories of his ex-partner from his mind after finding out she had done the same to him. I thought it would be more about the two people finding each other again afterwards, and the climax would be their realisation that they knew each other—that they had known each other. I guess I hadn’t expected so much of it to take place inside his mind.

I guess the reason why I adore it so much is because, much like the movie, I really spend a lot of time in my head, and in over my head. And I think I relate to Joel, the main character, in a way—in how regret seeps from every one of his pores. I saw so much of myself in him. From his quiet nature to his habit of avoiding communication to his aversion to loss. Then again, I think I also saw myself in parts of Clementine as well, with her wild disposition and how raw her emotions are. And their bittersweet and doomed relationship really spoke to me, both in my tumultuous battle against self-loathing, and in my other external relationships as well.

“I wish you’d stayed.”

“I wish I’d stayed too.”

What heartbreaking words to hear while you’re fleeing to the other side of the Earth.